I recently got into a discussion with a friend of mine who is MtF about all our trans stuff. She said how a lot of MtF’s were jealous of FtM trans because of how well hormones affect us and hinted that many thought that FtMs had the much easier transition.

This is a very sore spot for me as I very very much disagree and hate when  any trans person thinks that someone has it easier. you know what? No, no they don’t, none of us do. we ALL have a fucking intense battle to endure and none of us get off easy. Our (FtM) hormones may in most cases work better butyour (MtF) Sex change surgery is faaaarr more advanced. You (MtF) have to fold your Penis and tuck you testecles to ‘look cute’ in girls underwear, we (FtM) have to crush and bind our breasts to ‘look good’ mens shirts.

We both wake up each morning and look down at our bodies and feel intense disgust and hatred, we all cringe when someone uses the wrong pronoun, we all hurt when we don’t pass in public. We all have those moments where we wish, harder than we have ever wished for anything else, just to be on the outside what we are on th inside.

Nobody gets of easy, we all have this daily battle in our lives. So please think before you try and say that someones road is less rough than yours.

Peace and love to you all meow and  hang in there <3 <3 <3

***********Sorry for any politically incorrect stuff in there~ i hope you all get the gist though <3

Each day that passes, is one less day until top surgery… Just keep going <3

Hey, I’m thinking of getting my top surgery done in Thailand at the Preecha aesthetic institute http://pai.co.th/

From What I have read they seem pretty good. Though id like to hear from anyone who has been there or knows people who have had surgery there.

What was your experience like???

Wow.. This picture really went well with the crippling dysphoria I have today.

A little reminder that no matter how much T I pump myself with or what surgery I get, how I dress or how I act will never fully hide the ugly monster that hides beneath it all.

I will never be real…

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

I got a packer the other week. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the thing to bits. I look like a creep most of the time now because I’m constantly finding myself touching it and feeling it (yes.. thins includes in public) 
Although all these little things keep happening and going wrong..

first off I got some “packing underwear” from a shop online called ‘Loveboat’ they sell a lot of cool FtM gear like binders and packers. They had a 2 for one deal on the underwear so I got a black set and a white set. When I got them I tried the black set on with my packer and after 10 mins when I looked at my dick again (it was my first day and I was all proud lol) it had been stained a little by the black dye in the fabric! So I switched to the white set and washed the black set to get rid of any running dye.

Today I used the freshly washed black set of underwear and first off, the elastic to hold the packer in place was at an uneven length so it kept twisting and making it look like I had a boner >_<  I finally get home and into a bathroom where I can adjust it again properly and!!!~~~~~
MY COCK WAS BLACK!!!!   D’:     The stupid dye still ran!!!  it now looks like my wang has frostbite :(  I’m really upset!! -_-

So now I have given up on using the stupid packing underwear and am sewing a packer harness made from elastic :)
although.. why I decided to try and sew at 12:30 is beyond me meow.. It’s just making me more frustrated >_<

..So I gave up sewing and came to rant instead.

Man, everything is a trigger some days. I find though looking through all the FTM trans stuff on tumblr always sets me off :/
I always assume it’s going to be reassuring or empowering in some way but it always just leaves me feeling like shit. like there are so many people trapped and we are all just working on giving eachother small glimmers of hope until we die. We get excited over the most depressing things “oh yay, I walked into a fucking toilet without getting strange looks” or “yay my life is good today because I paid $30 bucks for a chunk of rubber to shove in my pants”   “Hey everyone, here is a photo of some scars on my body as I had to have some tumors removed, My life is really on track now”
We all do it. man, I have been sneaking off to the bathroom every hour or so, so I can admire my new packer.

It’s hard finding happiness in prison